Carolyn Hax: 'I'm worried about the boy's emotional well-being'
My wife and I live in a duplex below a divorced single mom and her 9-year-old son. He seems to split time with his father, but spends most with Mom. Several times a week, we overhear Mom meanly shouting and swearing at her son for what seem like minor things: not wanting his hair cut, making silly noises, school-related issues. We rarely bump into our neighbor and haven't exchanged more than simple pleasantries. She is not especially warm. We have never heard the son speak in the two years we've been neighbors. He looks away when we're around to avoid eye contact, but I can't tell if that's only because we are strangers to him.
I've never suspected physical abuse, but it seems like the yelling has picked up in frequency and intensity, though we may just be listening harder. My wife and I don't have children, but the angry cursing at her son weighs on my conscience heavier and heavier.
We have no relationship with this woman, so I don't know that approaching her is something I'm willing to do, but I don't know what course to take. I'm worried about the boy's emotional well-being -- and maybe Mom's too. I grew up in a stressful household, and I often wished someone would intervene.
-- Concerned Neighbor
Then intervene, please.
Start with a call to Childhelp, 1-800-4-A-CHILD; it's a child-abuse-prevention nonprofit and a good source of guidance on getting involved. You want to make sure you hit that important middle spot between ignoring a crisis and indulging a savior complex.
Depending on what you report, the Childhelp staff might recommend notifying child protective services, and if so then please don't hesitate. That's what it's for, to decide how to act on facts you provide.
Don't be afraid to take small steps, too, that feel right to the unhappy child you once were. It wouldn't be odd at all for a downstairs neighbor to make, hmm, too much pumpkin bread one day and run the extra loaf upstairs. Right? Pumpkin bread, the universal language of giving a damn.
Or maybe you oh-shucks missed the drop-off for your office toy drive -- would her boy like some Lego?
Do you have a small job for him, like walking your dog?
I don't know your capacity for involvement, and perhaps you don't either, thus the referral to a guiding ity. But there can be value in the kindly disruption: Sometimes an overwhelmed parent needs but a small pause to collect herself. Are you willing to become that friendly knock on the door?
If someone is still bitter over a relationship ending, we're talking 30 years ago, does it mean they're not over their ex?
Also, do you believe in being careful getting into a relationship with them because you will always be second-best?
It means they're bitter. And capable of holding on to bitterness for a third, half, or some even more obscene portion of their time on earth.
I'm not sure the why matters at that point, or whether you're first-best or ninth-, a concept I balk at to begin with.
So yes, be "careful," if you mean mindful of the fact that you have other options than to sign yourself up for this.